Z has his own language...

Just when I got all excited about Z using lots of words and kinda sorta putting words together ("milkshake.....gramma" to mean that gramma got him a milkshake), he starts with his very own language. A language I do not know, and a language that makes no sense. It's cute and frustrating at the same time. When he gets mad about something, it's "nah naaaah nah" or "dah daaaaah dah". When he wants something, it's "ta-teeee" or "daaaany". Or it could be "dat-tee". Those are his first words of this new language. Z, please don't get stuck here, please don't get stuck here.....

More exciting news is that pee-pee is now pee-pee, boo-boo is now boo-boo, poo-poo is now poo-poo, baby is now bee-bee. I often hear him practicing words and phrases..."all done", "all gone"...complete with all sounds.

We're rounding a corner with his language and it's pretty exciting. I also realize that this means we're losing our baby and getting a little boy. He'll always be my baby boy though.

Random updates and other rants...

We survived a trip to Mississippi for a family reunion. The "survival" part comes only from the plane ride, not the family part. The family is awesome and I always feel so welcome and so much a part of C's family. They are some of the warmest, most loving people I know...possibly the most.
Z was an angel the ENTIRE time. Flying was great, sleeping was great, he behaved basically the entire time, grew up leaps and bounds, and charmed everyone with his sweet ways. He made me so very proud.

Z's latest cuteness includes phrases like "You're killin' me, smalls" and "We're in the clouds, baby!" Of course, it's in his special language that really only C and I can understand, but it's awful cute. He's been working on his beginning sounds A LOT on his own...sometimes something will come out like "B....b....b.....dus!" for the word "bus" (the b for the sound and not the letter). He also knows his letters by sight and not in order. He learned from a computer game we found online one day when trying to entertain him. He begs to play it and we sometimes have to keep him off the computer. I have always felt (and still do feel) that he has plenty of time to learn letters and numbers, and to learn to read...we'll go at his pace. But so long as he wants to learn and he enjoys it, I certainly won't curtail it because of his age.

I took on a part-time job with a home-bound student who was diagnosed with a brain tumor at 4 months old. She is now 3.5 and is super duper cute. I'm afraid it's a bit much to be on my plate right now, and I have no idea why I felt compelled to apply for the position. Perhaps I'll figure that out later, but for now it is something else to overwhelm me. Once I get used to the new environment and procedures, I'm sure I'll be alright with it. I have to submit my hours every two weeks if I want to get paid. I already forgot to do it last week. :(

Collage of recent events coming soon.....going to spend some time with my sweet little man.

Invited!

We were invited to a mommy play date this Saturday with all the new mommies from work. Sadly, I'm not at that school anymore, but I am so excited to see all the babies together, meet the ones I've not yet met (since I took a year off and moved away the year Z was born), and see Z maybe interact with some other kids. I hope he's a nice boy. I'll take lots of pictures. We really should plan stuff like this more often because the kids are mostly within a year of each other. I'm really excited!!
In other news, I'm really overwhelmed at work and I decided to stop the madness today and take a mental health day. I feel a little guilty and a little worried about how the day will go for the kids and for the sub...we have some pretty bad subs at our school, so I hope I got the lady I requested. I'm sure I'll pay for it tomorrow, but for toady I'm still in my jammies and I don't know what, if anything, I'll get accomplished today. It's nice to be home and read books with my son, and maybe I'll get some work done for my part-time work-from-home job for a change.
I hope the day goes by sooooo slooooowly.

So, the door isn't slammed shut...but it's slowly closing. We did talk to C's brother last night and he is going to ask his neuro about the meds he is on and whether or not they see any potential problems. The beautiful thing about UD is that he is able to separate himself enough to say that the risk would be ours to take if we were to use him again. He did say he wasn't interested in going off meds unless it was something he needed to do for himself...and I have so much respect and admiration for him not only for being honest, but for allowing us to make a decision regarding the risks. The meds he is currently taking take approximately 6 months to reach therapeutic level...he has just entered his 7th month. Not only do we not want him to stop taking meds for us, but if the doctor recommends it, then there is obviously a risk. And we are pretty sure we don't want to take that risk. I think I MIGHT be open to using a different donor, but it would be out of desperation. And I don't really know if my heart is 100% into that option. I had never considered having half siblings since we had the rare opportunity to have a known donor. C even mentioned using my brother and her egg, which would be SO very cool....but he's on seizure meds. Oh, the complications...makes it easy for C, and hard for me. Although, it does make it easier when there are external obstacles and she is not the only thing keeping me from having another child. Perhaps I should read the glaring signs and move on......

The daily grind...

I'm working on her again. I really hope I'm not getting my hopes up, but I feel like I might be making progress. We had a major discussion tonight...the first non-stressful conversation about siblings. We talked candidly and openly about the possible outcomes and effects on our relationship, what would make it fair for both of us, etc. We constantly reassured each other (cuddling, petting, and I love you's) throughout the conversation. We ultimately want each other to be happy and neither of us wants to resent the other. The problem is that, either decision will create both emotions simultaneously. If we have a 2nd child, I'm happy and there's a great chance that that chaotic-at-times lifestyle would eventually cause her to be resentful. If we don't have a 2nd child, she is happy and I am eventually resentful.
But I feel like this conversation might make her think more seriously about the possibility of having another child. A BIG factor will be her brother...if he isn't comfortable helping us out again, neither of us are really sure we'd want to use anyone different, known or unknown. So if he says "no", it might help me close the door without resentment towards C. But then will probably just be a gaping hole in my world, and I will probably one day feel like I should've pursued another route to give Z a sibling, and me another child to make me feel complete.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a Mommy-girl. Sometimes I wish C was. Life would be so much easier.

From the cold case files...

So C brought up siblings today. Or maybe I did. At any rate, we discussed pros and cons again, fears and other random thoughts. Her 1st cousin is pregnant and also has a 4 year old daughter. We discussed the age difference. We talked about the pros and cons of that. We talked about using her brother again...the concerns we have since he is now on some heavy duty meds for MS. The docs will tell you there's no effect, I would assume at least. But I know more than one or two people personally who have children with heart problems not due to any meds they were on during pregnancy...but I find it oddly coincidental they they have that in common. I'm just over cautious. And if we're going to do it again, it's something to consider. We both fear what it would do our lives, Z included, if we had a special needs child. So we talked about using a different donor. What would that mean? Would C always feel something more special for Z since they are blood-related? Do we want to enter into such a special relationship with a friend of ours? Would it complicate things for everyone if we didn't use her brother again? So many questions...is it worth it to even take that road??
We would have another child to give Z a sibling. We know it would be tough for a few years, financially, physically, and mentally/emotionally. But it's a small sacrifice for something wonderful. And then our fears come into play. I feel selfish for being afraid of having special needs child. Seomtimes I think we should leave well enough alone. But I want what is best for Z, and I just really feel like he should have a sibling. Not to mention that I loved being pregnant. Not to mention that I am sad about probably being done having children, and sad that I only got one chance being pregnant. I should be thankful that it finally happened...and I am, don't misunderstand. But there is a nagging feeling of being incomplete, I have to admit. Even if we decide (or did decide) that we won't have another child. I can definitely find all the good in that choice. But I know part of me will always wonder. And part of me will never feel complete if we stop at one.
I love that baby boy with every fiber of my being. And that is why sometimes I wonder if I am doing him a disservice by not giving him a sibling.

Fire Rescue Open House

Today my mom and I took Z to the open house that was being held at the fire department. He had a good time as long as we didn't tell him to do anything. We thought he was done and we asked if he was ready to go home and he shook his head and sat on the floor. So, we ordered hot dogs and stayed a while longer. He wasn't really doing anything, he just wanted to be there around all of the trucks. Just like his mommy...doesn't have to participate, but doesn't want to miss anything. He is so much like me sometimes, it's almost scary.